i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
