Just mADE A PArabola og urine
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My vagina is very pro this idea
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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