my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize