And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
