Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
