I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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