I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
