shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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