Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
