i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
