Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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