it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
