someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
