gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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