did you get engaged???
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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