I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize