hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
