you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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