i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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