Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
