Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
