an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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