Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
