The maid of honor just puked.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
