My hair reeks of homosexuality.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
