TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
