also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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