i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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