life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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