Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
