oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
