we have officially lost it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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