Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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