Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize