you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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