he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
