My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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