I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
