apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
