Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
