I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
