Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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