Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
