Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
