i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
