I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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