Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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