Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
