An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
