sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
