Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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