I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
