I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
