what if every blade of grass was a penis?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
