i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
there was a trapeze. enough said
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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