I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
