she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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