We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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