Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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