Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
