She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
