so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
